Tips for Men on Dating Websites

From conferencing with my girlfriends, I have decided that I need to write a book of advice for guys who do online dating. Many of them have not quite grasped what it is that we women are looking for. Or avoiding. Here's a preview of my future blockbuster best-seller:

1. Start saving some good pictures of yourself that have been taken by OTHER people. It is obvious and a bit weird when men take selfies (which are also poor quality pics) and post those on the dating websites.
2. If you must take a self-portrait, DON'T DO IT IN A MEN'S BATHROOM WITH THE URINALS VISIBLE IN THE MIRROR BEHIND YOU! (Yes, this actually happened and it was so sad.)
3. Do not post pics of you with a bunch of beautiful women. Or any beautiful women. This does not impress other women. It makes them wonder why you feel the need to pose with these girls but yet you are somehow still single.
4. While I'm on the subject...do not post a pic of yourself that was obviously once a couple pic, where you are posing, contented and in love, with your arm around the ex, and you try (in vain) to cover this up by hacking her off but clearly you have your arm around someone and/or there is a fraction of someone's smiling cheek jutting into the shot of your own smiling face. This is not good. It reminds the viewer of the hacked-off carnage that was once a happy relationship.
5. If all the pictures of you outside of work depict you holding a beer bottle or an alcoholic drink of some kind, what sort of message do you think this is going to send to potential mates? That you are a "good times" kinda guy? Or that maybe you have a drinking problem? Think the latter. Find some new pics.
6. Do not post photos of your dog or your travel destinations in lieu of YOU. There is one reason for the photos on dating websites: so girls can check you out, figure out if you are fit enough or tall enough or not-too-old. Don't be naive and just give us what we want so we can all save ourselves some time and energy.
7. Don't be the schmuck who doesn't post a photo at all, hoping that some hot chick (because you know you're checking out her photos) will "get to know" you and come to love you for your searingly brilliant mind and your Shakespearean-esque way with words, and then she won't even wind up noticing your man boobs or your hair loss. No. Not happening.
8. Saying that you like to "play video games" in your spare time is NOT appealing to the opposite sex. It's just not appealing period. It might be honest...but it's also unappealing.

Things I have learned since arriving in Maine

1) It is BEAUTIFUL here. More nature and less strip malls = fabulous. (LA has many more strip malls than Northern California.)

2) I will never, ever, purchase or drive a Jeep Cherokee. Apparently they are the first to slide right off the road in winter.

3) I will never, ever, purchase or drive a car with rear-wheel drive. Nuh uh.

4) If you live in a cold climate, space heaters are WELL WORTH the investment. I love the little portable ones that can sit on the bathroom countertop and warm you up when you have to go to the bathroom and change in the mornings. Don't judge. It's not fun, being cold in the morning.